


singing in the shower

by thekardemomme



Series: Anatomy [2]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, True Love, i continue to be disgusted by how much they love each other, showering together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 17:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18529969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: it’s a whole lot easier to leave someone before they can leave you.





	singing in the shower

**Author's Note:**

> fic #2: hair
> 
> me: this fic is about hair  
> also me: writes 4k of context/plot before getting to the hair 
> 
> also the summary makes it sound SO much angstier than it is i swear

there’s ways for lucas to tell when eliott might need to be checked up on. most of the clues are for when eliott might be manic, when he’s talking too fast and thinking too much and sleeping too little. lucas knows those signs, watches out for them. he has less of an idea of how to tell eliott is depressed before it gets to the point that he can’t get out of bed, though. 

today, eliott hadn’t gone to school, and lucas had been in such a rush that he hadn’t thought to check and make sure he was okay. he’d been frantically trying to make sure he got to school on time, and now that almost half the day had passed, lucas couldn’t decide if he should go home early–just to make sure he’s good. 

“you look constipated,” yann observes, sitting down across from lucas at the lunch table. “what are you thinking about?”

“i’m trying to think about eliott.” at yann’s confusion, lucas elaborates, “he told me he didn’t feel well enough to go to school this morning, and i was kind of late so i didn’t think much of it. i didn’t think to check and see if he was feeling okay. i don’t know if i should go home.”

yann frowns, “maybe you should text him.”

“he won’t answer me,” lucas says, right as arthur and basile walk up and join the group. he greets them both and then turns back to yann, shrugging a bit. “he’ll either not respond or tell me he’s fine. he gets it in his head that he’s, like, burdening me or something. so he won’t tell me he needs help. and anyway, if i ask if he’s depressed just because he stayed home for one day, he might feel like i’m babysitting him or that i don’t trust him.”

“you sound like an idiot,” basile informs him, and lucas frowns. “if you’re  _ that  _ concerned, just text him. you could literally just ask if he’s feeling any better since he didn’t feel good this morning, and if he says no, go home. if he says yes, trust him.”

“i don’t want to upset him.”

“so what if you do? you’re checking on your boyfriend, lucas. that’s, like, one of the most normal things in the world.”

lucas sighs, pulling his phone out. there aren’t any texts from eliott, which isn’t exactly a red flag, but makes his pulse elevate anyway. he types out at least ten messages before sending a simple,  _ hi baby. are you feeling any better?  _ he debates adding a heart emoji after it but decides against it–if eliott is depressed and asleep, he doesn’t want to wake him with multiple text notifications. 

waiting for the reply makes lucas feel too nervous to eat, so he tries half-heartedly to participate in the conversation with his friends. they’re all talking about some girl that arthur apparently hooked up with and whether he should go after her or not, and usually lucas would genuinely try to help, but his mind isn’t up for it today. 

it’s ten minutes before his phone buzzes, and in his haste to check it, he nearly drops it on the tile floor. 

_ a bit better. love you. _

“he says he feels a little better,” lucas informs them. he looks at baz and tries to swallow his nerves. “so i’ll trust him. if he says he’s okay, then he’s okay.”

“good boy,” basile teases, patting his head like a dog. lucas glares at him and tosses a napkin at him, laughing when it hits him square in the nose. “hey, now! be careful or i’ll tell eliott you’ve been misbehaving.”

“eliott is not my father.”

“no,” arthur winks, “but he might be your daddy.”

lucas groans and throws the napkin at him this time, a blush creeping its way up his cheeks. in the back of his mind, he’s grateful for his friends and their ability to distract him when all he wants to do is text eliott a million questions to ask if he’s okay. 

mostly, though, he really hates his friends. 

//

the apartment is quiet when lucas gets to eliott’s that night. lucas wonders if eliott knew he was slipping into depression, and if that’s why he asked if they could sleep at his the night before. his parents were gone for the week, though, lucas knows. so maybe he just wanted to do some laundry. 

maybe he needs to stop thinking about it. 

he steps into eliott’s bedroom and frowns when he sees eliott curled up under the blankets in the same position he’d been in this morning. lucas slips out of his jacket and then crosses the room, sliding in bed next to eliott. he gently touches eliott’s shoulder and, when eliott doesn’t push him away, starts pressing light kisses to the back of his neck. 

“feel okay?” he asks, and eliott shrugs minutely. lucas tries to swallow the bundle of nerves in his throat, reminding himself of what basile said. “i can make you some tea or something, get you some medicine if–”

“don’t play stupid,” eliott snaps, voice hoarse. “you know i’m not  _ sick,  _ lucas. don’t pretend you have no idea what’s going on just to spare my feelings or something.”

“i wasn’t trying to. you just said you didn’t feel good so i figured–”

“bullshit.” 

lucas presses his lips together and leans back, trying to stay calm. he knows that eliott gets like this sometimes.  _ he doesn’t mean it,  _ lucas reminds himself.  _ he never means it.  _

he stares at the ceiling, hands going idle–one still on eliott’s shoulder, and one resting on his own stomach. he feels awkward and out of place, like maybe he shouldn’t have come over here without asking eliott if he wanted company. normally they don’t have to ask each other, the invitation is usually a given. but eliott might want his space, and lucas could very well be intruding on it. 

he thinks back to the first time eliott was depressed. he thinks about how eliott didn’t speak to him, how when he  _ did _ speak it caused a fight, how he wouldn’t eat… 

“well, i don’t know about you, but i’m hungry. do you mind if i get something to eat?”

“no,” eliott says softly, and lucas counts the change in his tone as a win. lucas presses a kiss to his shoulder and then gets up, heading to the kitchen. 

despite eliott’s permission, it’s still not lucas’s apartment, so he tries to pick something small. he decides on a pack of poptarts, figuring maybe he can convince eliott to at least try and eat one of them. it’s nothing too daunting, and besides, eliott has a killer sweet tooth. 

he tiptoes his way back into eliott’s room and settles down on his side (something about that makes his heart flutter–knowing that he has a side of the bed, even at eliott’s). he opens the poptarts and bites into one of them, and then holds the other one out. 

“do you want some?” he asks, and eliott shakes his head. “are you sure? i’d feel better about eating your food if you shared it with me,” he jokes. eliott accepts the poptart then, but leaves it sitting on the bed rather than eating it. lucas starts to say something, but then decides to just leave well enough alone. he’ll pick his battles. “so, arthur was talking about this girl he hooked up with today. apparently she’s really into him, and he didn’t expect that, so he’s trying to decide whether or not to ask her on a real date. i think he’s into her, too, but he’s just trying to play it cool. you should’ve seen the look on his face when he was talking about her. it was like… like how i look when i talk about you, kind of.”

eliott rolls over to face him, eyes open but a little vacant. seeing it is kind of scary, but lucas forces himself to smile. eliott is listening to his story, and that’s another win. 

lucas notices eliott’s hair and how greasy it’s gotten. he wonders when the last time he showered was. maybe, if he can’t convince eliott to eat, he can convince him to take a shower later. 

“i’m serious. the boys tell me all the time that i get this really lovestruck look on my face when i talk about you. i always deny it, but you know… i wouldn’t be surprised.” he finishes off his poptart and then grabs his phone, opening facebook and typing the girl’s name in. “here, this is the girl. you might know her, she’s in your year.”

“she’s nice,” eliott offers up, but doesn’t say anything else. lucas nods and locks his phone, and then points to the poptart abandoned on the other side of eliott. 

“if you’re not going to eat that–”

“for fuck’s sake, lucas.”

the sharp tone takes lucas aback, and he tries to figure out what he said to set it off. “what?”

“i don’t understand why you have to push the issue. i’m not a child, lucas, you don’t have to remind me to eat all the time.”

“i wasn’t trying to–”

eliott scoffs, rolling over and grabbing the poptart as though it’d personally offended him. “do you want to hold my hand when i go take a piss, too? want to measure my water intake? hourly blood sugar tests? hell, you may as well go all out and dress me, too. since i’m a toddler all of a sudden.”

“eliott, i was just trying to say that if you didn’t want to eat it then–”

“yeah, i  _ know _ what you were trying to say. little mister perfect, never says or does anything wrong.”

“i’m fucking hungry, eliott. i was going to ask if i could have it if you didn’t want it.”

apparently eliott doesn’t register his words, only his tone. he pushes the poptart off of the bed and then pulls his duvet all the way up until he’s out of lucas’s sight. “i don’t even know why the fuck you’re here,” eliott snaps, “because i don’t need you here. i don’t  _ want  _ you here. don’t you get that? i don’t fucking need you, lucas.”

“eliott–”

“you need to be needed so fucking badly. you want to swoop in and be my knight in shining armor, save my life or whatever. i don’t  _ need  _ you to do that. if you’re looking for someone to be your damsel in distress, you don’t need to be with me. why can’t you understand that?”

the only response eliott gets is the stomping of lucas’s feet on the floor and, eventually, the slamming of the apartment door. 

//

he doesn’t go back to eliott’s that night, even though he really wants to. he wishes it was only because he’s a good boyfriend and wants to respect eliott’s personal space, but it’s also partly because he’s a petulant and immature teenager who wants to say  _ fine, if you don’t need me, then i won’t be there.  _

eliott has said mean things before, when it gets bad. but something about it felt off this time. maybe it was the fact that eliott wasn’t wrong. lucas did have this incurable desire to feel needed and wanted–probably due to the childhood trauma of being abandoned and the continuation into his teenage years of absentee parents. but lucas doesn’t like to think about that, and he especially doesn’t like to blame his own shitty personality on the fact that his daddy didn’t love him enough. 

he doesn’t go to eliott’s the next day, either. he texts him once to ask if he’s okay, but doesn’t get any response. he doesn’t double text, he doesn’t call. if eliott doesn’t need him, lucas will have to trust that. 

(and it’s a whole lot easier to leave someone before they can leave you.)

“how’s eliott feeling?” yann asks, as he and lucas make the walk to lucas’s place. lucas hadn’t felt like being alone, and besides, he and yann are overdue for hanging out. if there’s anyone who can make lucas feel better, it’s yann. 

lucas shrugs. “i don’t know. i haven’t seen him since the other day.” when yann stops mid stride, giving lucas a concerned look, lucas just shrugs again. “he and i got into a fight. i tried to get him to eat, and he took it the wrong way. told me he didn’t need or want me there, said i was treating him like a toddler. he told me that i have a need to be needed and that i just can’t understand that he’s not who i should be with if i’m looking for someone to save.”

yann lets out a slow breath and starts walking again. lucas gets it. he doesn’t really know what to say about the whole thing, either. like he keeps thinking–eliott has said mean things before, but it just feels different this time. 

they make the rest of the walk in silence. yann is probably quiet because he’s thinking, but lucas is quiet because he knows if he tries to speak, he’ll cry. he just keeps replaying the words  _ i don’t need you here _ and  _ i don’t want you here _ and  _ you don’t need to be with me _ over and over in his head. they hurt a little more every time.

he knows, somewhere deep in his mind, that eliott didn’t mean it. he just said what he knew would hurt, would make lucas leave him alone. it’s some type of weird self-sacrifice thing eliott does, where he hurts lucas on purpose so he doesn’t hurt lucas accidentally. usually, lucas is quickly forgiving of it. it’s never been anything like this, though. it’s never been a direct attack on the one thing lucas hates most about himself. 

it’s ironic, lucas thinks, that eliott accuses of him of trying to be a savior when eliott does the same thing. 

they make their way up the stairs in silence too, yann a few steps behind lucas. it’s not until they’re right in front of the door that yann speaks again. 

“i know he probably didn’t mean it, and i know i couldn’t even begin to understand what he’s dealing with,” yann begins, “but that was really fucked up. you should know that you’re always needed and wanted around. even if it’s not by him, by us. arthur, basile, mika, lisa, manon, emma… even daphné and alexia and imane. all of us want you around, you know.”

“yeah, i know,” lucas says, but he still feels like he could cry with how good it makes him feel to hear that. “it’s not eliott’s fault i have daddy issues,” he jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

yann doesn’t laugh. “and it’s not yours, either.”

“yeah. i, um. i appreciate it, man. thank you.”

“of course.” yann hikes his bag higher on his shoulders and then nods at the door. “now, i think it’s about time i kick your ass in fifa.”

lucas laughs, and then turns to unlock and then open the door. there’s low voices coming from the living room, so lucas and yann make their way there, greetings for mika and lisa already on their tongues. 

they both freeze, though, when they see mika and lisa and  _ eliott  _ sitting there. 

eliott stands up when he sees lucas, wiping his hands on his joggers like he’s nervous.  _ he should be nervous,  _ lucas thinks first.  _ he looks like hell,  _ lucas thinks second. 

he does look like hell. his hair is a greasy, stringy mop on his head. his clothes are wrinkled and disheveled. he has bags under his eyes that definitely aren’t designer, deep purple and sunken in. he looks like he hasn’t slept since lucas left him, which he’s sure can’t possibly be true, because he’s probably slept the entire time. 

lucas wants nothing more than to reach out and hug him, make him dinner, ask how he’s feeling. but he remembers the  _ i don’t need you _ and he squares his shoulders instead. 

“what are you doing here?” he asks, and eliott bites his lip. “what? did you need something?” the words are sharp, and they cut–deep, apparently, if eliott’s wounded expression is anything to go by. 

“lisa, yann, let’s… let’s go to the kitchen!” mika suggests, jumping up and forcing the two of them away. lucas usually loves being given alone time with eliott, but now, he kind of hates mika for leaving him on his own. 

eliott shifts awkwardly on the balls of his feet like just standing is exhausting to him. “i just wanted to see you,” eliott murmurs, and lucas raises his eyebrows. “and to, um, apologize for what i said. it was fucked up.”

“yeah,” lucas acknowledges. 

eliott pauses like he’s waiting for lucas to continue. when he doesn’t, eliott licks his lips and stares at his feet like he’s searching for what he’s going to say next. “i didn’t mean it. i was just saying shit to hurt you, because you pissed me off. i know… i mean, you know that i didn’t mean that, right?”

“i know that you didn’t mean to hurt me,” lucas says, and eliott frowns. “but what you said wasn’t wrong. at least, not entirely. so it must be something you’ve thought of before.”

“what? no, i never… i have never once thought that i didn’t need or want you around. not seriously.”

lucas scoffs. “you’re fucking with me.” when eliott frowns, eyebrows drawn together like he truly doesn’t understand, all lucas can do is laugh humorlessly. “that wasn’t what hurt me, eliott. i mean, of course it hurt me, but that’s not why i left.” he steps forward, closer to eliott. “you are one of the only people that knows about my dad and my mom. you, yann, mika. that’s it. and neither of them know all the details like you do. so when you told me that i need to feel needed, you weren’t wrong. i have abandonment issues. my biggest fear is being left behind, and you know that. and you used it against me, specifically to hurt me. that’s why i left.”

“baby, i’m so sorry,” eliott insists, and lucas looks away. he knows that if he looks eliott in the eyes, he’ll cave before they’ve properly talked about it. of course he’s going to forgive eliott–he knows that he didn’t mean it–but they need to talk about it first. “i didn’t mean to hurt you, i swear. and i’ve never thought any differently or worse of you because of your past. i wouldn’t have the right, considering mine. i’m so sorry i made you feel that way, baby. i don’t have any excuses for what i said. just–please say you know how much i love you, how much i want you, how much i need you. please tell me you know that.”

“i do,” lucas nods. “of course i do. it’s just not nice to hear the opposite, even if i know you don’t mean it. i don’t deserve you, eliott, and i’m so scared of losing you. i don’t know what i’d do if you left me, i can’t even–”

“hey,” eliott interrupts, stepping forward and cradling lucas’s face between his palms. “don’t even think about it, okay? minute for minute. and in this minute, i love you and i’m here and i’m not going anywhere. that’s all you need to be thinking about.”

lucas swallows hard. “what happens when we get to the minute where that’s not true?”

“it goes against our policy to talk like that,” eliott murmurs. “but just between us: that minute won’t come. okay? you’re stuck with me for the rest of the minutes we have alive.”

“promise?”

lucas knows it’s a ridiculous thing to promise. there’s no possible way for them to know what’s coming in the future. and he knows they still have a lot left to talk about, and lucas’s feelings aren’t 100% repaired. but it still warms his heart to hear eliott say, 

“i promise.” 

and then they’re kissing like it's breathing, hands all over each other. lucas can’t stop touching him everywhere; feeling him, knowing he’s here for this moment and the next and the next and the next. 

it’s an addicting feeling, being loved. 

lucas hands travel up his back and into his hair, and he feels the grease between his fingers and lets out a small noise of surprise, pulling out of the kiss. 

“baby, i love you,” lucas whispers, “but you need a shower.”

eliott blushes, touching his own hair. “yeah, i know. it’s been awhile.” he leans back into lucas’s touch, tucking his face into lucas’s neck. “i don’t think i can do it,” he admits. and, oh yeah. lucas had forgotten that eliott had braved the throes of a depressive episode just to come all the way over here and apologize properly. his heart both warms as breaks for his boy. 

“how about i do it?” he offers, and eliott looks up at him. “we don’t have a bath, so it won’t be too romantic. but we could sit on the shower floor and i could wash your hair for you.”

eliott looks like he’s going to agree for a moment, but then an indecipherable expression floats across his face and he hesitates. “lucas… i don’t want you to– i’m not up for, like,  _ doing  _ anything, and i don’t want you to–”

“baby,” lucas whispers, “i’m just going to wash your hair. promise.”

eliott smiles. it’s small, but it’s there. “okay.”

“go in the bathroom and start the shower, okay? i’ll be there in a minute.” he kisses eliott’s forehead and then watches him go, before sighing to himself and heading for the kitchen. 

mika, lisa, and yann are all at the table, and when they see him mika and yann jump up like they’d been waiting for him. “everything okay?” yann asks, and lucas nods. “good. i didn’t want to have to fight him or something.”

lucas snorts. “yeah, everything’s good. i mean. it’s not perfect, and we still need to talk, but he’s still not doing so well, if that wasn’t obvious. he just isn’t in the right place for that conversation right now, so. i managed to convince him to take a shower and if we don’t do it now, he might change his mind. i’m sorry, yann.”

“don’t apologize,” yann says quickly. “i can stay and we can all play as soon as you’re done. or, you and i can play and eliott can watch.”

mika nods, “me and lisa can be there, too. maybe it’ll help him if he sees that he didn’t, like, run us off or something? and that we’re all here for him as friends.”

“if he says he wants us to leave, we will,” yann adds. “you can just text me or something and i’ll make up some reason to leave, so that way he won’t think that we left because of him.”

for a moment, lucas is too overwhelmed to respond. only minutes prior, yann had told him how loved he was. but he sees it now–sees the lengths his friends are willing to go to for him, and for his boyfriend. they love him so much that they go the extra mile for eliott because they know lucas loves him, and because they’re growing to love him too. it’s overwhelming to feel so loved and supported in so many ways, by so many people. 

he feels the tears burning his eyes and he has to laugh at himself. he doesn’t recall ever being this soft, but then again, for so many years he repressed who he really was. it’s nice to be able to express what he feels so freely. 

he steps forward and pulls yann into a hug, and then mika. he hugs lisa too, just because he loves her. “i love you guys. thank you.” he hugs yann again because yann is secretly his favorite, and then excuses himself. 

the water is running when lucas steps into the bathroom, but eliott is sitting on the toilet still fully dressed. lucas smiles when he gets eliott’s attention, and eliott smiles back. 

“do you want to get naked or stay in your underwear?” lucas asks, and eliott thinks for a moment before saying he’ll just get naked since he doesn’t have spare boxers with him. lucas makes a mental note to give him a clean pair, because he doesn’t know how long eliott’s been wearing that pair (probably a long time) and the thought of him putting them back on after a shower grosses him out. “do you mind if i get fully naked, too?”

mirth flashes through eliott’s eyes as he grins and says, “that’s a stupid question. if i ever oppose your offer to get naked in front of me, then you need to run because i am  _ not  _ eliott.”

lucas smiles because eliott joking around is always a good sign, and then winks at him and starts slowly pulling his jeans down. eliott rolls his eyes but smiles so hard it looks like it hurts, so lucas continues making a show out of stripping out of his jeans and boxers. once he’s pulled his shirt off too, he tosses it at eliott. 

eliott catches it and clutches them to his chest like a fangirl, which is funny but also so endearing that lucas has to lean forward and kiss him exactly six times before pulling back and gesturing to eliott. 

“your turn, now.”

eliott doesn’t make a show out of it like lucas, but he  _ does  _ toss lucas his shirt and laugh when lucas catches it and holds it to his face. 

“you’re cute,” eliott murmurs, and lucas just smiles and tips his chin up, waiting for kisses. 

eliott, of course, obliges. 

they both sit down on the bottom of the shower, and lucas gets the shower head down so he can run it over eliott’s body. eliott hums at the feeling of the warm water, tipping his head back so lucas can wet his hair. 

lucas uses manon’s lavender smelling shampoo, making a mental note to buy her a new one when this one runs out to make up for it. he slowly starts working it into eliott’s hair, taking special care and extra time to really lather it in. he scratches and massages eliott’s scalp, knows how good it must feel. 

“i’m sorry you have to do this,” eliott whispers, and lucas shushes him. “i am, though. you shouldn’t have to bathe me. i’m… i’m a grown man, you’re not dating a child.”

“for your information, i like doing it. and once you feel better i fully intend to make  _ you _ wash  _ my _ hair and give  _ me  _ a scalp massage. i feel like i deserve it.”

“you do,” eliott chuckles. “you deserve everything.”

“as do you, baby. tilt your head back.” lucas rinses all of the lavender shampoo out of his hair and then starts working in conditioner, just because he can. while that sits, he grabs the bar of soap and hands it to eliott. 

eliott washes himself quickly, and doesn’t protest when lucas rinses him off. he doesn’t mean to make eliott feel babied or incapable, but he does want eliottt to feel cared for and loved. he hopes he’s accomplishing that. 

after he rinses the conditioner out of eliott’s hair, he grabs his own shampoo and squeezes some into his palm, but eliott grips his wrist before he can start to wash his hair. 

“let me,” eliott whispers. lucas nods, and eliott scrapes the shampoo out of lucas’s palm and into his own. they both turn around so eliott is behind lucas, and eliott begins washing his hair.  

eliott doesn’t spend as much time as lucas did, but lucas doesn’t mind. the feeling of eliott’s fingers in his hair is good enough–beyond that, even. he can barely keep his eyes open as eliott massages him. 

he washes his own body and tells eliott not to bother with the conditioner, and once they’re done, lucas turns the water off. they both wrap up in a towel and dry themselves off, but eliott doesn’t do a great job so lucas takes over and towel-dries his hair for him. 

while he’s doing so, eliott reaches out and grabs the ends of lucas’s hair where it’s frizzy and sticking up from being rubbed with the towel. “hedgehog,” he muses, and lucas rolls his eyes. 

they sneak off to lucas’s room for clean clothes, and then back to the living room. mika and lisa are curled on the couch while yann is on the floor playing fifa. 

“hey, eliott,” yann grins. “want to play fifa with lucas and i? he’s way overdue for an ass-kicking.”

“fuck you,” lucas laughs. “don’t listen to him, baby. i’m going to kick his ass.”

eliott chuckles a bit, then shakes his head. “i’m kind of tired. i think i’ll just watch, if that’s okay.” lucas glances at him, asks him the question he doesn’t want to ask out loud–is he okay with them being here? eliott responds by sitting down next to yann, grabbing a blanket off the couch and draping it over himself, holding one side open for lucas to curl next to him. 

lucas does, of course. eliott hands him the controller and then yann sets up the game. 

later, when lucas is getting his ass kicked, eliott rests his head on his shoulder. he smells like lovely lavender, and lucas is so distracted by how soft and fluffy his hair is and how good it smells that he loses. he doesn’t mind, though. 

“hedgehog,” eliott whispers, sliding his hand up lucas’s spine and pulling on the hairs on the nape of lucas’s neck. “i love you.”

“i love you, too,” lucas murmurs, pressing a kiss to eliott’s hair. 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @elullemant


End file.
